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Mistresses and female initiation
Today, it is customary to think: a husband has got a mistress on the side - it means a goat, and poor women with him then suffer. A peasant, maybe, of course, a goat. However, triangulation in a relationship arises, firstly: with informed or not - but the consent of all parties. And secondly: the deepest need of a mistress in such a relationship is basically not at all in a man, as is customary to think. An unconscious unmet (frustrated) need for female initiation pushes a mistress into a strange family. And she is looking for her (paradoxically at first glance) with the wife of the same alien man.
In the female stages of natural maturation and formation, there are TWO important psychological initiations. The earliest and the first of them should be from an adult authoritative woman, but not the mother (the mother takes us from the cradle, and loves, no matter what; and because initiation is about not childish, but about female, then her friend will do aunt, teacher, girlfriend's mother, alpha female of the tribe, and even a random acquaintance).This initiation serves as an internal confirmation of the feeling that a young growing up woman is part of the female Sort, she is accepted by him and among women like her, she has the right to feel “her own.” In the natural variant of development, a woman receives initiation imperceptibly, in time - usually in the pre-pubertal age and goes on to further develop herself. Then, after a while, she enters into a relationship with a man, who initiates her in a different way - as a sexually mature female, capable of reproducing offspring.
Initiation from women is very important in matters of female self-esteem, a sense of usefulness and recognition of female members as equal members.
Needless to say, all mistresses have much more relationships with the wives of their married men (of course, completely unaware) than with the men themselves.
But since the need is in the region (as psychoanalysts say) - “unconscious”, (and gestaltists) - “the functions of ID”, it is replaced all the time by another desire (only the desire to be with him is realized, but for some reason he is classically married; as the desire of “victory” over the wife), and the method of realization is chosen not the most adequate; she — this need — chronically remains frustrated. Need - to be on a par with me like.
By the way: married - in a civil marriage - in difficult relations with three alien women - chronically divorced - does not matter. If the man you choose is always busy, this is it!
Classical mistresses are girls, often rejected by older non-empathic women, often incestically injured (by fathers, other adult men). Here - it is not necessary that sexual abuse takes place - it is enough that the father, in communicating with his daughter, violates her psychological boundaries, giving her the opportunity to feel in the role of his wife. Imaginary victory over the mother in the inner world of such a girl leads to a serious unnatural shift of emphasis in the field of the female self. These and many other reasons lead to the fact that later in adulthood a woman will painfully try to become her (woman). Endlessly competing for male attention and female envy with the entire female population in the habitat - or its most prominent representatives.
And all this is in pursuit of a constantly elusive, inner confident feeling and self-experience, on which you can rely and calm down.Which is the basis for feminine self-esteem. Which, when it is, is not to be confused with anything.
Since the experience of recognizing oneself being equal to others is not, then the need for such a woman is transformed into a form that is understandable to her and often sounds like: defeating a rival. Usually there are many opponents, but to win all the time and everyone does not work out, that for such a woman it hurts and doesn’t saturate - this is a way to momentarily gouge a hole in oneself that constantly whines and asks for more.
Here lies the substitution: initiation is before the competition. Because it is possible to compete adequately only with an equal; or in an area where we are two women are approximately equal (by the way, this “right” competition is often colored by warm feelings). Initiation is when the woman you are a teenager orienting to, you want to be like, tells you: “You will succeed. You are beautiful, intelligent, feminine, economic (etc., you need to emphasize). Are you all right. You are a real woman. You are ours! ” And this knowledge, received in time, can be relied on later in life.
This experienced simple experience allows a woman to stay in touch with herself, with her femininity. Accept it, develop it, know it as it is in the face, and therefore be able to handle it.To be able to distinguish - where is mine, and where not. And do not experience megatons of unconscious anxiety every time a man at a nearby cafe table compliments you; when a girlfriend has a successful math career, and you are a deep humanitarian; or when he loves brunettes and is married, and you are blonde - and that means - he will be yours!
Psychological maturity is one of the biological tasks - otherwise there would be no age-related crises and mankind could afford forever, and most importantly float painlessly into the depths of the infantile syrup. And so: from time to time shame covers that “all women are like women, and I ...” - moreover, any topic for alarm can be. That time, children give birth, and all relationships - only as a mistress. And then by the age of 40 one discovers that youth has passed in tumultuous novels, the presentation is not the same, but you still don’t know what to enjoy in life. There are plenty of options, and all - not a pleasant one.
Getting initiated as an adult is much more difficult for a woman — just like any experience that was not received at the natural stages of development. The exception is psychotherapy, which is precisely what works, including in the direction of excavation and “growing up” in a person who has been encapsulated, not experienced in time. Which, when it appears, harmonizes many aspects of life.
Psychotherapy is not always a quick process, but rather a slow, slow immersion into the inner world. A study in which a woman can discover a lot of interesting facets in herself, put together a puzzle that has not been formed for a long time, understand something and notice - and therefore, have the opportunity to change it.